bear the unbearable

We can only feel sorry for ourselves when our misfortunes are still supportable. Once this limit is crossed, the only way to bear the unbearable is to laugh at it.


Persepolis 2: The Story of a Return, by Marjane Satrapi, 2004.

seen satan in their sly faces

I have known some horses and a good many more pigs who I believe harbored evil intent in their hearts. I will go further and say all cats are wicked, though often useful. Who has not seen Satan in their sly faces?

True Grit by Charles Portis, 1969.

wondering what the heck happened

Man, I don't know WHAT is up with girls these days. It used to be a whole lot simpler back in elementary school. The deal was, if you were the fastest runner in your class, you got all the girls.

And in the fifth grade, the fastest runner was Ronnie McCoy.

Nowadays, it's a whole lot more complicated. Now it's about the kind of clothes you wear or how rich you are or if you have a cute butt or whatever. And kids like Ronnie McCoy are scratching their heads wondering what the heck happened.


Diary of a Wimpy Kid (Greg Heffley's Journal) by Jeff Kinney. Amulet Books. 2007. p.6

thus are kingdoms obtained

You must know that the religion of this country requires [an] abundance of feasting and fasting, and each person has his particular saint, as well as each calling and occupation. Tomorrow is to be celebrated le jour des rois. The day before this feast it is customary to make a large paste pie, into which one bean is put. Each person cuts his slice, and the one who is so lucky as to obtain the bean is dubbed king or queen. Accordingly, today, when I went in to dinner, I found one upon our table.

Your cousin Nabby began by taking the first slice; but alas! poor girl, no bean and no queen. In the next place, John [Quincy] seconded her by taking a larger cut, and bisected his paste with mathematical circumspection; but to him it pertained not. By this time I was ready for my part; but first I declared that I had no cravings for royalty. I accordingly separated my piece with much firmness, nowise disappointed that it fell not to me.

Your uncle [John Adams] who was all this time picking his chicken bone, saw us divert ourselves without saying anything. But presently he seized the remaining half, and to crumbs went the poor paste, cut here and slash there; when behold, the bean! 'And thus,' said he, 'are kingdoms obtained!' But the servant who stood by and saw the havoc, declared solemnly that he could not retain the title, as the laws decreed it to chance, and not to force.



Abigail Adams writing to her niece Lucy Cranch (January 5, 1785) as quoted in John Adams by David McCullough. Simon and Schuster, 2001. p.326

Man Ashamed Of Own Joy Upon Receiving New Mop Head

my favorite article from The Onion.

September 27, 2000 Issue 36•34

GAINESVILLE, FL–Hamilton's Bar & Grill dishwasher and prep cook Cory Akers experienced a fleeting moment of joy, followed by a deep and abiding sense of shame, upon receiving a new mop head Monday.

Akers, 25, whose duties at the popular midscale eatery include taking out the trash and mopping at the end of each shift, was initially overjoyed by the prospect of the new mop head before collapsing into despair upon realizing the heart-rending pathos of his situation.

Cory Akers and the new mop head that
gave him a humiliating sense of happiness.

"I'd been asking for a new mop head for what seemed like forever. They kept saying they'd order it, but then they never would," Akers said. "It really gets kind of gross when you have to keep using the same mop head over and over. So when I showed up for work [Monday] and my manager said, 'Hey Cory, merry Christmas!' and tossed me the new head, I could hardly believe my eyes. There it was, a brand-new, snow-white, virginal mop head, unsoiled by grease or dirt. I was in heaven. At long last, the new mop head I'd been dreaming of was in my hands."

Coworkers said Akers seemed to be "in a revitalized, reinvigorated mood" throughout the remainder of his 8-to-5 shift. He even remarked to waiter Lance Dumont that he "[couldn't] wait to get out there and mop tonight."

Cory Akers and the new mop head that gave him a humiliating sense of happiness."I was really excited to use that pristine new mop head for the first time," Akers said. "So when 4:30 rolled around, I raced over to the mop closet and, with great pleasure, unscrewed the filthy old mop head and threw it out. Man, that felt good. Next thing you know, I'm out there in the main dining area, mopping away like a kid in a candy store. The new mop head worked so much better than the old one, I was literally whistling while I worked."

"Everybody was remarking how happy I looked, saying stuff like, 'We should get Cory a new mop head more often,'" Akers continued. "It was only later, after punching out and heading home, that the depths to which I'd sunk hit me full force."

Shortly after returning to his apartment, Akers' happy state was obliterated by the crushing impact of his realization. As a bowl of soup heated in the microwave of his kitchenette, he became distracted by his own household mop, itself badly in need of a replacement head, leaning against a nearby wall. After staring blankly at the mop for several minutes, he disappeared into his bedroom. The congealed, long-cooled bowl of cream-of-mushroom soup was discovered several hours later, sitting in the microwave untouched.

Experts say the elusive human emotion known as joy can often prove a double-edged sword.
"As a lowly dishwasher forced to use the same filthy, slime-encrusted mop head for months on end, Akers is seldom afforded the chance to enjoy a general sense of well-being," noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum said. "Further, his capacity for self-awareness affords him no peace of mind, forcing him to recognize the low to which one must sink to become overjoyed by something as pathetic as a new mop head."

According to roommate Gabe Haugen, Akers' feelings of shame and degradation over his state of joy have proven far less fleeting than the initial elation.
Akers enjoys his new mop head while cleaning a chili spill.

"The poor guy was slumping around all day, and I could tell something was wrong," said Haugen, 23, a longtime temp worker. "When I finally asked him what it was, he was really reluctant to say."

Haugen said that when Akers finally confessed to the happiness he felt upon receiving the mop head, the conversation became even more uncomfortable.

"I guess I figured that once he told me what was wrong, I'd be able to tell him it wasn't so bad," Haugen said. "But what could I say? It wasn't like there was some misperception on his part that was causing him to feel depression and self-doubt when he shouldn't have. He was reacting the way any sane person would. I mean, feeling gleeful that his boss finally bought him a new $3 mop head with which to perform his unrewarding, low-paying, menial chores? You'd have to sink pretty low to think of that as a good thing. He was right to feel ashamed and degraded."

"I should know, man, because I've been there," Haugen continued. "I remember how horrible it felt the first time I realized how good it felt to finally gain access to the toner-cartridge cabinet. As I stood there, looking down at the toner-cartridge-cabinet keys in my little hand, beaming from ear to ear, I suddenly felt the worst emptiness I'd ever known sweeping over me like a thousand tidal waves."

According to Akers' father, lifelong factory worker Warren Akers, his son is better off coming to terms with his sad reality now than continuing to live in denial.

"The truth is, in Cory's miserable dish-washing world, a new mop head does count as a reason to be happy, however pitiful that may seem. In this shit-bucket life, you take your moments of satisfaction where you find them," the 61-year-old said. "Do you think I like the fact that the best moment of my entire day usually comes when the factory's break-room toilet flushes all the way down on the first try instead of taking two or three? Pathetic as it is, that's the truth. After a 12-hour shift making screen doors, if I make it all the way through one rerun of Adam-12 without falling asleep in my chair, I get a tiny jolt of happiness. And I learned long ago not to be ashamed of that tiny jolt of happiness, because, let's face it, that's as good as it's going to get, and I may as well enjoy it."

you always have to say the truth

People say that you always have to say the truth but they do not mean this, because you are not allowed to tell old people that they are old, and you’re not allowed to tell people if they smell funny, or if a grown-up has made a fart, and you’re not allowed to say I don’t like you unless that person has been horrible to you.


The curious incident of the dog in the night-time by Mark Haddon. Random House. 2003. Chapter 73.

some of my behavioral problems

These are some of my behavioral problems:
A. Not talking to people for a long time…
B. Not eating or drinking anything for a long time...
C. Not liking being touched.
D. Screaming when I’m angry or confused.
E. Not liking being in really small places with other people.
F. Smashing things when I’m angry or confused.
G. Groaning.
H. Not liking yellow things, or brown things, and refusing to touch yellow things or brown things.
I. Refusing to use my toothbrush if anyone else has touched it.
J. Not eating food if different sorts of food are touching each other.
K. Not noticing that people are angry with me.
L. Not smiling.
M. Saying things that other people think are rude...
N. Doing stupid things…
O. Hitting other people.
P. Hating France.
Q. Driving Mother’s car…
R. Getting cross when someone has moved the furniture…


The curious incident of the dog in the night-time by Mark Haddon. Random House. 2003. Chapter 73.

and out sprang General Washington

The essence of the whole will be that Dr. Franklin's electric rod smote the Earth and out sprang General Washington. That Franklin electrified him with his rod and thence forward these two conducted all the Policy, Negotiations, Legislatures and War.


John Adams as quoted in Founding brothers: the revolutionary generation by Joseph J. Ellis. Vintage Books, 2000. p.167

the winnah an’ still champeen

One big shark was cutting close to the boat. I straightened my legs painfully and leaned over the side, watching him. He looked as though he was up to some devilment, and I didn’t like it at all.

The other sharks had moved some distance away, probably scouting for easier prey than us, but this one huge beast, speckled like a leopard, evidently still saw possibilities and hung around.

Finally he drifted off a few yards, turned sinuously on the surface and with one powerful thrust of his heavy tail shot himself straight back like a torpedo. He twisted to stop perhaps a foot away and seemed to look me right in the eye, his wicked teeth showing.

I hauled off and banged him square on the nose with my good right fist. Well, that was one surprised leopard shark. He whirled and whipped away like a scared monkey. I guess he didn’t come back.

Tony had seen the whole show. He reached over and raised my right hand high. “The winnah an’ still champeen!” he croaked. My hand was tingling, and the knuckles hurt. I felt them tenderly. I hadn’t injured my hand, but I had hurt it, and the knuckles ached for a few minutes. The shark’s nose had no more give than a block of wood. That’s exactly what it was like – as if I had taken a good hard punch at a telephone pole. But I chased him away.


The Raft: The Courageous Struggle of Three Naval Airmen against the Sea by Robert Trumbull. 1942. United States Naval Institute. p. 143

time to put on the pot

Tony, who had a sense of humor, soon devised a favorite way to start or end all conversation. He would turn suddenly to Gene (whom he called Henry, after his favorite radio character), and order with a mischievous grin:

“Come on Henry – time to put on the pot!”

“Henry” and I never failed to enter into the spirit of the game, with elaborate suggestions for the making and pouring of the coffee. We frequently adopted ludicrously exaggerated drawing-room tones and gestures for this ritual, broadly burlesquing what we fondly believed was the true Park Avenue manner.

Later, I think, it must have been this continual practice of deliberate idiocy that kept us from going really insane in our exposure, starvation, and thirst.


The Raft: The Courageous Struggle of Three Naval Airmen against the Sea by Robert Trumbull. 1942. United States Naval Institute. p. 38

not easy to keep a marriage together in Hollywood

And there is Tom Hanks. Tom and Rita have one of the most enduring marriages in show business, and it is not easy to keep a marriage together in Hollywood because, well we sleep with so many different people.


Steve Martin as host of the Oscars, March 2001

absolutely certain he can learn Spanish

Many years ago I had a desperate call from the head of the missionary training center. He said, “President Monson, I have a missionary who is going home. Nothing can prevent him from quitting.”

I replied, “Well, that’s not singular. It’s happened before. What’s his problem?”

He said, “He’s been called to a Spanish-speaking mission, and he’s absolutely certain he cannot learn Spanish.”

I said, “I have a suggestion for you. Tomorrow morning have him attend a class learning Japanese. And then have him report to you at 12:00 noon.”

The next morning he phoned at 10:00! He said, “The young man is here with me now, and he wants me to know he’s absolutely certain he can learn Spanish.”

When there’s a will, there’s a way.



Thomas S. Monson, “To Learn, to Do, to Be,” Ensign, Nov 2008, 60–62, 67–68

snowball

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.


-- Shel Silverstein, Falling Up. 1996.

my kingdom for a saddle

Most of us were old travelers, that is, we had all had considerable experience in handling animals in camp, but these mules showed more cunning and perseverance than any we had seen before. Once they traveled with hopples some sixteen miles. I happened to strike their trail first. After tracking them about five miles I found Ammon Tenney's saddle horse with a few other animals. I managed to catch the horse, and with nothing but my suspenders for a bridle I followed on alone until I overtook the mules. They tried to run away from me, but I managed to head them back and drove them several miles before daring to take the hopples off. The horse I was riding was quite sharp backed. By this time, not like the king who cried "My kingdom for a horse," I thought, "My kingdom for a saddle." So I commenced to study how to make one, and succeeded finely. I took off my overalls, pulled some hair out of the horse's tail and tied the bottom of the legs together, then pulled the grass and stuffed the overalls full--both legs and body. This formed a pad fast at both ends but separate in the middle. This I placed lengthwise on the back of the horse with body end forward so that I could hold the waistband end together with one hand to keep the grass from working out. Under the circumstances this made me quite comfortable, and I drove the mules back to camp all right. My companions laughed heartily as I rode in, but acknowledged that I was a good saddler.


Forty Years Among the Indians: A True Yet Thrilling Narrative of the Author's Experiences Among the Natives. By Daniel W. Jones. Juvenile Instructor, Salt Lake City, UT. 1890. CHAPTER XXXV.

about the birds and bees

Sailor Ed Brown... joined the navy in 1944 and left for boot camp an hour after playing his last high school basketball game. He and his father had had to hurry to make it to the train station to catch the topp train passing through; there wouldn't be another for a week.

As the train pulled away, his father ran alongside shouting, "Now, son, I gotta tell you about the birds and bees! I forgot to tell you about the birds and bees!"

What, Dad!

And his dad cupped his hands and said, "You're gonna meet some women, and the only thing they want is your money!"

Brown shrugged, confused. "Okay, Dad. Bye. Tell Mom I love her."

He sat down, wondering, "What the hell's he talking about? I don't even have any money."


In Harm's Way: The sinking of the USS Indianapolis and the extraordinary story of its survivors by Doug Stanton 2001. p.33

Ida, can you hear me?

I once went to see a doctor about [my wife Ida's] hearing. He asked me how bad it was, and I said I didn't know. He told me to go home and find out. The doctor instructed me to go into a dark room and speak to her. Then I should move nearer and nearer until she does hear. Following the doctor's instructions, I spoke to her from the bedroom while she was in the kitchen - no answer. I moved nearer and spoke again - no answer. So I went right up to the door of the kitchen and said, 'Ida, can you hear me?' She responded, 'What is it, Marion - I've answered you three times.'


Marion G. Romney, Marion G. Romney: His life and faith by F. Burton Howard. Bookcraft. Salt Lake City. 1988. P.144.

your hands are too big

There are many devices on Kitt Peak whereby astronomers scan the sky. I leave them to their devices. When I go up the mountain, it is to picnic among the jay-haunted oaks. In the summertime the air is cool up there. The gound is strewn with tiny acorns. I once saw children gathering them, and this dialouge took place:

"What are you going to do with those acorns?" I asked.

"Sell them ro neighborhood children."

"For how much?"

"A Penny a handful."

"May I buy some?"

The children thought a minute and then one said, "No."

"Why not?"

"Your hands are too big."


Lawrence Clark Powell. Southwest: Three Definitions. Singing Wind Bookstore. 1990. p.52

draw your line right through this place!

Spain and Portugal agreed to hold another conference to determine the locations of the line of demarcation and the Spice Islands.... Despite the the good intentions of te two nations... the proceedings quickly degenerated into farce.

To symbolize the strict impartiality of the deliberations, the summit was held on a bridge spanning the Guadiana River, along the Spanish-Portuguese border, but the location nearly undid the conference. As the distinguished members of the Portuguese delegation happened to be walking across the bridge, they were stopped by a small boy, who asked if they were carving up the world with King Charles. The former governor of India, Diogo Lopes de Sequeria, acknowledged that indeed they were. At that, the boy lifted his shirt, turned to reveal his bare bottom, and with his small finger traced the line between his buttocks.

"Draw your line right through this place!" he declared.


Laurence Bergreen, Over the Edge of the World: Magellan's Terrifying Circumnavigation of the Globe. 2003. p.409

I have often been downcast

I have often been downcast, but never in despair; I regard our hiding as a dangerous adventure, romantic and interesting at the same time. In my diary I treat all the privations as amusing. I have made up my mind now to lead a different life from other girls and, later on, different from ordinary housewives. My start has been so very full of interest, and that is the sole reason why I have to laugh at the humorous side of the most dangerous moments.


Annelies Marie "Anne" Frank (June 12, 1929–early March 1945) was a German-born Jewish girl from the city of Frankfurt, who wrote a diary while in hiding with her family, the Van Pels family and Fritz Pfeffer in Amsterdam during the German occupation of the Netherlands in World War II. The Diary of a Young Girl (1947; tr. 1952), entry for 3 May 1944.

or you can lay there awake

RUTH: Being confined to your bed is nothing to be afraid of.
BESSIE: I'm not confined to my bed. I'm just a little tired today.
RUTH: I was confined to my bed most of my life. You find things to do.
BESSIE: Like what?
RUTH: Oh my... well... you can sleep, or you can lay there awake.…


Scott McPherson. Marvin's Room, a play by Scott McPherson. 1992. P27