“Weel, I dinna jist richtly ken gien she kens, but I think she maun ha’e gude rizzon, or she wadna say as she says. Oh me! me! my bairnie ‘ill be scornin’ me sair whan he comes to ken. Ma’colm, ye’re the only ane ‘at disna luik doon upo’ me, an whan ye cam’ ower the tap o’ the Boar’s Tail, it was like an angel in a fire flaucht, an’ something inside me said–Tell ‘im; tell ‘im; an’ sae I bude to tell ye.”
Malcolm was even too simple to feel flattered by the girl’s confidence, though to be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
“Hearken, Lizzy!” he said. “I canna e’en think, wi’ this brute ready ilka meenute to ate me up. I maun tak’ her hame. Efter that, gien ye wad like to tell me onything, I s’ be at yer service. Bide aboot here–or, luik ye: here’s the key o’ yon door; come throu’ that intil the park–throu’ aneth the toll ro’d, ye ken. There ye’ll get into the lythe (lee) wi’ the bairnie; an’ I’ll be wi’ ye in a quarter o’ an hoor. It’ll tak’ me but twa meenutes to gang hame. Stoat ‘ill put up the mere, and I’ll be back–I can du’t in ten meenutes.”
The Marquis Of Lossie. 1879.
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Loving someone, or at least being kind or compassionate to them, says nothing about my ability or willingness to trust that same individual. “I love you enough to take you to that thing, but I don’t trust you enough to drive yourself.” And what is that based on? Well, on the one hand, I want my kid to succeed at that thing they are involved with and therefore I will drop everything to take them, but on the other hand, I don’t trust them to drive themselves to that thing since last week they were pulled over and ticketed for inattentive driving.
And a lack of trust has significant costs for all parties involved. Stephen M. R. Covey talks about how in low trust environments and relationships costs go up and speed to get stuff done goes down. Conversely, in high trust environments and relationships costs go down and speed to get stuff done goes up.
Low Trust = costs up & speed downHigh Trust = costs down & speed upStephen M. R. Covey
This warrants at least a cursory look at how to earn someone’s trust. Again from Stephen M. R. Covey we learn that trust is based on both an individual’s character and competence. And within those two we find what Covey calls the “four cores of credibility.” On the character side we have integrity (or how honest someone is) and their intent (or their motives). On the competence side we have capabilities (or the skills someone brings to the table) and their ability to deliver results (or time management and getting things done). Looking at the four cores of credibility resolved a dichotomy for me. I couldn’t ever figure out why I would let a certain business partner watch my kids any day of the week (great integrity and pure motives), but I hated doing business with them (wrong skill set and didn’t get things done). Ah Ha! I kind of trusted them, but not fully.
This is why trust is such an important characteristic that is earned by virtue of choices rather than deserved by virtue of shared humanity, friendship, familial relationships or any other qualifier.
So the next time your kid says “but don’t you love me?” remember that it’s okay to say “well, yes, I love you to the moon and back, but that doesn’t say anything about whether I will trust you to build the rocket ship to get us there.”
"It is better to be trusted than loved." GoodatLearning. Feb. 12, 2020
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