the giving and receiving of... communications

There are some important ground rules for us all that pertain to the giving and receiving of... communications:

1. We should not give advice or be candid merely to punish or to meet our own ego needs. Rather, we must do as Paul says: speak "the truth in love." (Ephesians 4:15.) And even when we must give reproof, we should, as Paul also suggested, confirm our love lest the other individual "be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow." (2 Corinthians 2:7-8.) In the Doctrine and Covenants, we are asked to show forth an increase of love"—not the same level of love, but a visible "increase"! (D&C 121:40-44.)

In general conference in April 1962, President David O. McKay observed of the phrase about giving reproof—"when moved upon by the Holy Ghost"—that this "limiting clause" is very significant. Reproof, he said, should not be given because of "selfishness, not because of any personal antipathy, not because of personality." He then described verse 43 of this section of the Doctrine and Covenants as being without parallel "in governing people." (Conference Report, April 1962, p. 93.)

2. We need to take into account our own capacity and that of the others involved to manage the consequences of candor, counsel, and correction.

3. We should consider the appropriateness of the setting, as well as the appropriateness of what is said.

4. The correction or counsel given should bear reasonable relationship to the importance of the issue, lest there be "over-kill."

5. Corrective counsel is facilitated when there is shared expectation that it will be given.

6. Ongoing counsel has the advantage of allowing for course corrections without being so ultimate and final. (Note Jesus' relationship with Peter—how the Master's love was felt by Peter and how Peter grew with the mix of constant love and occasional reproof.)

7. If we truly care about giving counsel and correction, in addition to taking the time to ponder beforehand the content and substance, we will make certain that our voice tone, bodily posture, and facial expression "are all enlisted," so that the moment draws the best out of us, in order to have the best chance of completing the communication circuit.

8. Timing is often as crucial as content.

9. A pattern of commendation can blunt the tendency some of us have to give too much corrective commentary. Regrettably we sometimes see an individual get classified, and no matter how well he or she does thereafter, it is difficult to get reclassified. It is sometimes like the chicken whose comb gets bloodied; all the chickens then peck at it, making the situation even worse. These "walking wounded" are all about us, and they need someone else to help them bind up—not add to—their wounds.



Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience. Deseret Book, 1979.