you find God touching the heart of your child

For parents with children who have strayed, take heart! Instead of wondering why an angel does not come to help your child repent, know that the Lord has placed a mortal angel in his or her path: the bishop, another Church leader, or a ministering brother or sister. If you keep fasting and praying, if you do not set a timetable or a deadline for God, and if you trust that He is stretching forth His hand to help, then—sooner or later—you find God touching the heart of your child when your child chooses to listen. This is so because Christ is joy—Christ is hope; He is the promise “of good things to come.” So trust Jesus Christ with your child, for He is the strength of every parent and every child.

I. Raymond Egbo

"Focus on Jesus Christ and His Gospel" General Conference 2024

with great fervency and reverence

My wife and I have personally experienced some sacred mountain moments in reverence as we have strived to apply these principles in our life, which has caused a meaningful transformation in our discipleship. I remember like it was yesterday walking through the cemetery before burying our second child, who was born prematurely and did not survive, while my wife was still recovering in the hospital. I recall praying to God with great fervency and reverence, asking for help to cope with that challenging trial. In that instant, I received a clear and powerful spiritual assurance in my heart: Everything will be fine in our lives if my wife and I endure, holding on to the joy that comes from living the gospel of Jesus Christ. What seemed like an overwhelming, sorrowful challenge at the time turned into a sacred, reverent experience, a capstone that has helped sustain our faith and has given us confidence in the covenants we have made with the Lord and in His promises for me and my family.

Ulisses Soares

"Reverence for Sacred Things", General Conference April 2025

unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments

My research on moral psychology tells me that expectations among people are often based on an implicit social contract. That is, without actually verbalizing expectations about give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads about legitimate expectations of each other. So, people in a relationship have a "deal" in which the specifics of the deal are never really talked about. It is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don't know what they are, but you still might see this failure as a violation of your social contract. For example, Mary Schaefer writes about how she listened to a friend's problems for years, even though it was very difficult, because she expected her friend to do the same for her when she wanted to talk about her problems. That did not happen, and the friendship ended.

Unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. Talking openly about what you expect from other people might improve your chances of fulfillment, or so thinks Dawn Sinnott: "By learning to not expect people to know what I want and need, I’ve learned to be much clearer in my communication. I don’t expect my husband to know why I’m pouting; I try to tell him why I’m upset."

At the same time, it is unrealistic to think that merely communicating your expectations clearly is going to get people to behave the way you want them to... Children not conforming to parents' expectations seems to be a recurring theme... This points to a second kind of social contract, one based on authority rather than the mutual reciprocity in a friendship. Parents assume that their children should obey their expectations because adults have the authority to run a household.

"Well, isn't it reasonable for parents to expect certain standards of behavior from their children?" you might ask. As the father of four sons, I would agree that we should set standards for our children. Failure to do so would make you an irresponsible parent. But you should not expect that your children will follow those standards all the time. Did you follow your parents' expectations all the time? Has any child? Thinking that this will happen is unrealistic. The question is what to do when children do not follow the rules you have designed to help them keep safe, stay healthy, and grow into their potential. If you think that the answer is to get resentful and angry and to yell and threaten, you might want to consider other alternatives.

You may have noticed that several times in this post I have distinguished between realistic and unrealistic expectations. That distinction is so important that Steve Lynch writes, "The expression should actually be phrased as 'Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.'" Believing that an unverbalized expectation will bring you what you want is magical thinking and is unrealistic. Expecting that doing what in the past has reliably brought about a result you want is realistic. Expecting others to do what is in your interest, but not their interest, is unrealistic. Expecting others to do what is in both of your interests can be realistic...

Let go of expectations and find something to be grateful about, even when things do not turn out the way you hoped, and you will experience serenity rather than resentment.

I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,

And you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you, and I am I,

and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.

If not, it can't be helped.

—Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim," 1969

John A. Johnson Ph.D.

"The Psychology of Expectations: Why unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments." February 17, 2018. Psychology Today

thank the Lord for letting you have the ride

There’s a saying that goes, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

“Wait, what?” you might think. “Aren’t expectations a good thing?”

President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) once quoted columnist Jenkins Lloyd Jones, who said:

“Anyone who imagines that bliss … is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

“[The fact is] … most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. …

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

Holly Hudson

"Managing Unrealistic Expectations," YA Weekly April 2021. See also Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Conversation with Single Adults,” Ensign, Mar. 1997, 60.

turned her loving concerns over to Heavenly Father

Years ago I received a phone call from a distraught mother. She told me that her daughter had moved far from home. She sensed from the little contact she had with her daughter that something was terribly wrong. She pleaded with me to help.

I found out who the daughter’s home teacher was. You can tell by that name that it was a long time ago. I called him. He was young. Yet he told me that he and his companion both had been awakened in the night with not only concern for the daughter but with inspiration that she was about to make choices that would bring sadness and misery. With only that inspiration of the Spirit, they went to see her.

At first she did not want to tell them about her situation. Under inspiration, they pleaded with her to repent and choose the path the Lord had for her. She realized then, I believe by the Spirit, that the only way they could have known what they knew about her life was from God. A mother turned her loving concerns over to Heavenly Father and the Savior. The Holy Ghost had been sent to those home teachers because they were willing to serve the Lord. They had followed the counsel and promise found in the Doctrine and Covenants:

“Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

“The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.”

Henry B. Eyring

"Our Constant Companion" General Conference October 2023

children of God

If we know "who" we are, esteeming ourselves as children of God, then we know the true identify of others, esteeming them. If ignorant, we are more likely to use them, abuse them, lie to them, or be blinded to their poverty. 

Neal A. Maxwell

Not My Will, but Thine by Neal A. Maxwell. 2008. Deseret Book. p. 90

children are tough

Children are tough, though we tend to think of them as fragile. They have to be tough. Childhood is not easy. We sentimentalize children, but they know what's real and what's not. They understand metaphor and symbol. If children are different from us, they are more spontaneous. Grown-up lives have become overlaid with dross.

Maurice Sendak, The Paternal Pride Of Maurice Sendak By Bernard Holland. New York Times. November 08, 1987

I do what I choose to do

I can easily convince myself that I have no time to study scripture. But the truth remains: I do what I choose to do; I neglect what I choose to neglect. How often is there no time for reading scriptures when there is ample time for sitting before the glassy face of the electronic idol? If my children do not know the Ten Commandments or the Beatitudes of Christ, it is because I have chosen not to teach them. If they do not love the word of God, it is because I have not shown this love. 

The Lord’s Question: Thoughts on the Life of Response by Dennis Rasmussen. Brigham Young University Press. April 1985. Chapter Three, “What Mean the Testimonies?” p.33

the most important tradition that man can have

To man was given the power to gather into words his wisdom and to hand it on to his children. This handing on is tradition, and it makes the continuity of human life possible. It binds the generations together. Scripture is the most important tradition that man can have, and yet how few people make use of it. Instead they read the news. The news is what will be old tomorrow and without interest. Yet it becomes a narcotic that must be taken daily and that yields no lasting satisfaction but only another craving. “Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: but whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.” (John 4:13-14.) The words of Christ and his prophets are lifegiving. They alone can give all other words real meaning.

The Lord’s Question: Thoughts on the Life of Response by Dennis Rasmussen. Brigham Young University Press. April 1985. Chapter Three, “What Mean the Testimonies?” p.32, 33

become as a little child

Jesus said, be born again – become as a little child. Was that because the children know the wonder of the world? For them each breath brings new delight. Every color, texture, and sound is a marvel to explore. They look upon the world and find it good. Like Adam in the Garden they see all things as new and beautiful. Their caves are not yet built. Can I leave mine and follow them?

The Lord’s Question: Thoughts on the Life of Response by Dennis Rasmussen. Brigham Young University Press. April 1985. Chapter Two, “Do Not I Fill Heaven and Earth?” p.16, 17

go play with the children

Once I learned an important lesson from my wife. I traveled extensively in my profession. I had been gone almost two weeks and returned home one Saturday morning. I had four hours before I needed to attend another meeting. I noticed that our little washing machine had broken down and my wife was washing the clothes by hand. I began to fix the machine. 

Jeanene came by and said, “Rich, what are you doing?”

I said, “I’m repairing the washing machine so you don’t have to do this by hand.”

She said, “No. Go play with the children.”

I said, “I can play with the children anytime. I want to help you.”

Then she said, “Richard, please go play with the children.”

When she spoke to me that authoritatively, I obeyed.

I had a marvelous time with our children. We chased each other around and rolled in the fall leaves. Later I went to my meeting. I probably would have forgotten that experience were it not for the lesson that she wanted me to learn.

The next morning about 4:00 a.m., I was awakened as I felt two little arms around my neck, a kiss on the cheek, and these words whispered in my ear, which I will never forget: “Dad, I love you. You are my best friend.”

If you are having that kind of experience in your family, you are having one of the supernal joys of life.

Richard G. Scott, "The Eternal Blessings of Marriage." April 2011 General Conference

centers on family life

“The great plan of happiness” centers on family life. The husband is the head of the home and the wife the heart of the home. And marriage is an equal partnership. A Latter-day Saint man is a responsible family man, faithful in the gospel. He is a caring, devoted husband and father. He reveres womanhood. The wife sustains her husband. Both parents nurture the spiritual growth of their children. 

Boyd K. Packer, "Guided by the Holy Spirit." April 2011 General Conference

her primary efforts

No woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. 

Quentin L. Cook, "LDS Women Are Incredible!" April 2011 General Conference

the laboratory of our lives

All of us remember the home of our childhood. Interestingly, our thoughts do not dwell on whether the house was large or small, the neighborhood fashionable or downtrodden. Rather, we delight in the experiences we shared as a family. The home is the laboratory of our lives, and what we learn there largely determines what we do when we leave there.

President Thomas S. Monson, “Hallmarks of a Happy Home,” Ensign Nov. 1988 as quoted in To the Rescue: The Biography of Thomas S. Monson by Heidi Swinton, Deseret Book. 2010.

two-legged, fumble-fingered slobs

Humans…are generally two-legged, fumble-fingered slobs whose indolent wits enable them by and large to be sitting ducks… The big polluter did not start out with smokestacks. He didn’t start pumping gunk into the waters of our world when he was six years old. He started small. Throwing papers underfoot in the streets, heaving old bottles into vacant lots, leaving the remnants of a picnic in the fields and woodlands. Just like the rest of us.



Walt Kelly, Pogo cartoonist, as quoted in Looking for Calvin and Hobbes: The Unconventional Story of Bill Watterson and His Revolutionary Comic Strip by Nevin Martell. Continuum Intl Pub Group, 2010 p.75

satan knows this sequence

Parents can prevent a lot of heartache by teaching their children to postpone romantic relationships until the time comes when they are ready for marriage. Prematurely pairing off with a boyfriend or girlfriend is dangerous. Becoming a “couple” creates emotional intimacy, which too often leads to physical intimacy. Satan knows this sequence and uses it to his advantage. He will do whatever he can to keep young men from serving missions and to prevent temple marriages.


Larry R. Lawrence, "Courageous Parenting," General Conference October 2010

helping your kids handle anger

1. Model healthy behavior. Your kids are watching how you handle your anger – and will emulate it. Parents who display positive changes toward their own anger will soon see their children improve how they manage their personal anger.

2. Guide your child through her anger episodes. Listen to her, take her feelings seriously, but help her deal with the issues and find a resolution. As a parent, you have the final word on what will be done, but your child needs to feel that you think her feelings and ideas are important.

3. Give instruction rooted in unconditional love, positive modeling, and loving guidance.


Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Gary D. Chapaman, 2007.

keep you from getting the message

If your child is screaming at you in anger, listen! Calmly ask questions and let the anger be expressed. The more questions you ask and the more intently you listen, the more likely his volume will decrease. Concentrate on the reason your child is angry, not on the way he is expressing it. Seek to understand what he thinks is unfair or wrong. You may not agree with his perception, but the purpose is to hear him out. If he thinks he was wronged, the anger will not go away until he feels that you have heard and understood his complaint. You are the parent, and you have the final word on what will be done, but your child needs to know that you think his feelings and ideas are important. Don’t let the child’s method of delivering his message keep you from getting the message.



Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Gary D. Chapaman, 2007.

i love you no mater what you do

The message our children need to hear and feel is, “I love you no mater what you do. I don’t always like what you do or agree with what you do, but I will always love you.” Children who feel the security of parental love are much more likely to make wise choices in life; and when they do make poor choices, they are far more likely to learn from their mistakes and to correct future behavior. Nothing is more fundamental in teaching a child to handle anger than giving the child unconditional love.



Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Gary D. Chapaman, 2007.

love your children unconditionally

Parents need not be pleased with the child’s behavior in order to give the child a hug, a pat on the back, or an affirming arm on the shoulder. Parents can say, “You played a great game last night,” even though the child’s room may be a disaster area. A dad can take his son out to breakfast for quality time even when the son broke the rule and vase by bouncing the basketball in the den. A mother can give her daughter a new dress as a gift even though the daughter did not complete her homework. “But won’t this cause my children to be irresponsible?” many parents ask. The answer is, “Such love teaches responsibility.” When the child senses that you love her and that love is not based on her behavior, she is far more likely to be responsive to your requests or your commands, and to do so without rebellion. When you love your children unconditionally and keep the love tank full, you have removed one of the major sources of childhood and adolescent anger.


Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Gary D. Chapaman, 2007.