cultivating gratitude

The following expectations can be happiness killers:

• Life should be fair – It is not. Not at all. Bad things happen to good people all the time for no reason. Expecting you will never have to deal with hardship or difficulties and that you won’t cope when they come is denying the human experience.
• Everyone should like me – They won’t and don’t. Just as you don’t like everyone you know. Instead focus on earning the trust and respect of people you like.
• People should agree with me – Yours may not be the only right answer and being right is not always right. We tend to take others words and behaviour personally when often, it is about them not us. We expect them to think and act just like us and if they don’t, we feel hurt or angry.
• People understand what I am saying – Assumptions, like expectations, can be Happiness Killers. People won’t understand us just because we are talking. Genuinely listening to someone else with empathy creates understanding whilst projecting our own mental filters and world views onto others generates misunderstanding and hurt feelings.
• I must always do well – ‘If I do not attain these goals, if I fail to live up to my expectations, I am a miserable failure and deserve the worst’. This kind of thinking is the basis of self-denigration, self-hatred and compromised self-esteem. You are already enough and are intrinsically worthy irrespective of achievement.
• Things will make me happy – We are poor at predicting what will make us happy in the future. What makes you the happiest? This question from Buddha is difficult to answer. Winning lotto? Getting married? Buying a new car? This hedonic treadmill does not cause happiness as we adapt to our circumstances which become the new normal.
• I can change them – There is one person in this world you can truly change. Yourself and that takes a tremendous amount of effort. The only way that people change is through the desire and wherewithal to change themselves. We can’t and shouldn’t ‘fix’ others.

The antidote to expectations may be cultivating gratitude.

"Expectations – the real happiness killer". HumanPsychology. Accessed on Jan. 26, 2024

unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments

My research on moral psychology tells me that expectations among people are often based on an implicit social contract. That is, without actually verbalizing expectations about give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads about legitimate expectations of each other. So, people in a relationship have a "deal" in which the specifics of the deal are never really talked about. It is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don't know what they are, but you still might see this failure as a violation of your social contract. For example, Mary Schaefer writes about how she listened to a friend's problems for years, even though it was very difficult, because she expected her friend to do the same for her when she wanted to talk about her problems. That did not happen, and the friendship ended.

Unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. Talking openly about what you expect from other people might improve your chances of fulfillment, or so thinks Dawn Sinnott: "By learning to not expect people to know what I want and need, I’ve learned to be much clearer in my communication. I don’t expect my husband to know why I’m pouting; I try to tell him why I’m upset."

At the same time, it is unrealistic to think that merely communicating your expectations clearly is going to get people to behave the way you want them to... Children not conforming to parents' expectations seems to be a recurring theme... This points to a second kind of social contract, one based on authority rather than the mutual reciprocity in a friendship. Parents assume that their children should obey their expectations because adults have the authority to run a household.

"Well, isn't it reasonable for parents to expect certain standards of behavior from their children?" you might ask. As the father of four sons, I would agree that we should set standards for our children. Failure to do so would make you an irresponsible parent. But you should not expect that your children will follow those standards all the time. Did you follow your parents' expectations all the time? Has any child? Thinking that this will happen is unrealistic. The question is what to do when children do not follow the rules you have designed to help them keep safe, stay healthy, and grow into their potential. If you think that the answer is to get resentful and angry and to yell and threaten, you might want to consider other alternatives.

You may have noticed that several times in this post I have distinguished between realistic and unrealistic expectations. That distinction is so important that Steve Lynch writes, "The expression should actually be phrased as 'Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.'" Believing that an unverbalized expectation will bring you what you want is magical thinking and is unrealistic. Expecting that doing what in the past has reliably brought about a result you want is realistic. Expecting others to do what is in your interest, but not their interest, is unrealistic. Expecting others to do what is in both of your interests can be realistic...

Let go of expectations and find something to be grateful about, even when things do not turn out the way you hoped, and you will experience serenity rather than resentment.

I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,

And you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you, and I am I,

and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.

If not, it can't be helped.

—Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim," 1969

John A. Johnson Ph.D.

"The Psychology of Expectations: Why unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments." February 17, 2018. Psychology Today

unhealthy expectations

Expectations are when you imagine in your mind how something will turn out or how someone will act and assume that you’re correct. We all have conscious or subconscious expectations about almost everyone and every situation in life.

But anticipating that every detail in life will turn out exactly how you want generally leads to discouragement and disappointment. I’m not saying it’s bad to have standards about things like how people treat you or to trust in the knowledge that God will keep His promises! But creating unrealistic expectations for mortal people and situations can set yourself up for frustration.

When unfulfilled or unhealthy expectations involve other people not behaving the way you expect them to, these feelings can also lead to resentment.

Holly Hudson

"Managing Unrealistic Expectations," YA Weekly April 2021

thank the Lord for letting you have the ride

There’s a saying that goes, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”

“Wait, what?” you might think. “Aren’t expectations a good thing?”

President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) once quoted columnist Jenkins Lloyd Jones, who said:

“Anyone who imagines that bliss … is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed.

“[The fact is] … most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. …

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

Holly Hudson

"Managing Unrealistic Expectations," YA Weekly April 2021. See also Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Conversation with Single Adults,” Ensign, Mar. 1997, 60.

"I doubt she'll want to spend no time in San Antonio," Augustus said. "That's where she was before she came here, and women don't like to go backwards. Most women will never back up an inch their whole lives."


Larry McMurtry - Lonesome Dove, 1985. p.198