My research on moral psychology tells me that expectations among people are often based on an implicit social contract. That is, without actually verbalizing expectations about give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads about legitimate expectations of each other. So, people in a relationship have a "deal" in which the specifics of the deal are never really talked about. It is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don't know what they are, but you still might see this failure as a violation of your social contract. For example, Mary Schaefer writes about how she listened to a friend's problems for years, even though it was very difficult, because she expected her friend to do the same for her when she wanted to talk about her problems. That did not happen, and the friendship ended.
Unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. Talking openly about what you expect from other people might improve your chances of fulfillment, or so thinks Dawn Sinnott: "By learning to not expect people to know what I want and need, I’ve learned to be much clearer in my communication. I don’t expect my husband to know why I’m pouting; I try to tell him why I’m upset."
At the same time, it is unrealistic to think that merely communicating your expectations clearly is going to get people to behave the way you want them to... Children not conforming to parents' expectations seems to be a recurring theme... This points to a second kind of social contract, one based on authority rather than the mutual reciprocity in a friendship. Parents assume that their children should obey their expectations because adults have the authority to run a household.
"Well, isn't it reasonable for parents to expect certain standards of behavior from their children?" you might ask. As the father of four sons, I would agree that we should set standards for our children. Failure to do so would make you an irresponsible parent. But you should not expect that your children will follow those standards all the time. Did you follow your parents' expectations all the time? Has any child? Thinking that this will happen is unrealistic. The question is what to do when children do not follow the rules you have designed to help them keep safe, stay healthy, and grow into their potential. If you think that the answer is to get resentful and angry and to yell and threaten, you might want to consider other alternatives.
You may have noticed that several times in this post I have distinguished between realistic and unrealistic expectations. That distinction is so important that Steve Lynch writes, "The expression should actually be phrased as 'Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.'" Believing that an unverbalized expectation will bring you what you want is magical thinking and is unrealistic. Expecting that doing what in the past has reliably brought about a result you want is realistic. Expecting others to do what is in your interest, but not their interest, is unrealistic. Expecting others to do what is in both of your interests can be realistic...
Let go of expectations and find something to be grateful about, even when things do not turn out the way you hoped, and you will experience serenity rather than resentment.
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
—Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim," 1969
John A. Johnson Ph.D.
"The Psychology of Expectations: Why unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments." February 17, 2018. Psychology Today
